You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
