think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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