kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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