wrigley field is MILF paradise
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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