Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
