Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize