they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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