You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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