i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
