At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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