Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
