i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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