I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
