Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
