i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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