DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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