nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
