Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
