Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
