i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
