I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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