cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
