Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Bring me that man meat
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I am available for nakedness
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
