Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
