never play flip cup with pint glasses
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
