You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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