Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
