I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
he just fucked me for my cheese.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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