he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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