Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
