I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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