I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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