I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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