New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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