Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
