Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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