One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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