Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
