just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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