i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
