he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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