I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
