His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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