Your face is a jimmy john
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
