There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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