How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
