when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
