the room spins SO much faster in panama
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
