i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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