Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
