i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
