Im at strip club and am horny
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
