If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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