yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
how do flat chested girls get laid?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
