i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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