You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
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