I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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