cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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