We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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