If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
