Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
