So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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