I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
