Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
